The Things I Stopped Apologizing For After 50

Somewhere along the way, I realized I say sorry too much.

Sorry to bother you.
Sorry for the late reply.
Sorry to ask.
Sorry for existing with needs.

I don’t even know when that started.

Maybe it’s cultural. Maybe it’s being Filipino. Maybe it’s being Asian. Maybe it’s being a woman. Maybe it’s all of it mixed together like pancit noddles at a family party.

We apologize before we even speak.

“Sorry ha…”

For what?

Breathing?

Taking up space?

Having an opinion?

I used to apologize even when someone hurt me. I’d soften my tone. Shrink my reaction. Make it easier for them to not feel uncomfortable about what they did.

That stopped.

You Only Miss It When It’s Gone

I’m Chinese Filipino. Chi-noy for short.

Which means I grew up celebrating Chinese New Year like it was louder than Christmas and more chaotic than any birthday party combined.

It wasn’t just a holiday. It was an event.

It was cymbals clashing so loud your chest vibrated.
It was drums pounding like the whole barangay (small community) shared one giant heartbeat.
It was the smell of firecrackers lingering in the air for days.
It was grocery stores packed with people fighting over thirteen round fruits like prosperity would evaporate if you only bought twelve.

Round fruits mean wealth. Because coins are round. And if you’re going to manifest abundance, you might as well do it with citrus.

Every mall was red. Every hotel was red. Even the tiny stores with flickering fluorescent lights were red. Lanterns everywhere. Decorations everywhere. It looked like the color red personally sponsored the country. You didn’t need Chinese blood to celebrate. The whole country claimed it.

Dragon dances would snake through mall corridors. The dragon would bow dramatically at each shop entrance, and the store owners would slip red envelopes into its mouth. Even businesses barely breaking even would give something. You do not mess with luck.

If you’re not Chinese, you probably think red is automatically lucky.

Not exactly.

Real Chinese families know it depends on your zodiac sign, your element, the year, and how the stars are feeling about you. Chinese New Year follows the lunar calendar, which is why it falls somewhere between January 21 and February 20. It begins on the first new moon of the lunar year and the celebrations go on for fifteen days.

We also love reading our horoscope for the year.

And I mean love.

We would wait for the newspaper to publish the zodiac predictions. My mother would literally hand it to me and say, “Read yours. It’s a lucky year for you.”

If it said money was coming, we believed it.
If it said career success, we walked taller.
If it said romance, well… we pretended not to look too excited.

By midyear we didn’t even remember what it said.

But in January? That horoscope felt like a contract with the universe.

The Flowers I Never Got (And Why I'm Over It... Mostly)

Valentine's Day is coming, and I have complicated feelings about it. Not the angry kind. Not even the bitter kind. Just... the kind where you've lived long enough to know that the dream and the reality rarely match, and somehow you're okay with that.

I used to dream about Valentine's Day the way other girls dreamed about their weddings. Flowers. Chocolate. A card with actual words written inside, not just a signature. Maybe dinner somewhere nice. The whole romantic comedy package.

Instead, what I got was life.

The only Valentine's flowers I ever received in my entire existence came from my children. They were young. Working early jobs with practically no money. And they showed up with a bouquet they could barely afford, proud and a little shy about it.

I cried.

Not sad crying. The kind of crying that happens when you realize love shows up in ways you didn't script.

Let me back up.

Things I No Longer Feel the Need to Explain

Lately, I’ve noticed I’m explaining myself less. Not in a dramatic, I’ve-found-my-power kind of way. Just quietly. Like I forgot to give a reason and realized… nothing bad happened.

I say no without adding a paragraph. I leave without an excuse. I choose things without a backstory. And somehow, the world keeps turning.

This is new for me.

I used to explain everything. Why I was tired. Why I was leaving early. Why I didn’t want to eat that. Why I changed my mind. Why I didn’t reply right away. Why I needed time. Why I needed space. I treated every decision like it needed footnotes.

Now I don’t.

I no longer explain why I’m tired.
I’m past the age where exhaustion needs justification. I don’t need to walk anyone through my week so they’ll agree I earned it. I’m tired because I’m alive. That feels sufficient.

I no longer explain why I’m leaving early.
There was a time when leaving before everyone else felt rude, like I was breaking a social contract. Now I leave when my body tells me to. Dinner ends. Energy drops. I go home. No dramatic exit. No apologies.

I no longer explain my food choices.
I don’t explain why I’m eating salmon instead of steak. Or dessert instead of salad. Or nothing at all. I don’t owe anyone a breakdown of my health goals or a disclaimer about balance. I eat what I want. I stop when I’m full. This feels like progress.

I no longer explain my silence.
If I don’t respond right away, it’s not a mystery or a message. It’s just life. Sometimes I’m thinking. Sometimes I’m resting. Sometimes I just don’t feel like typing. All of those are allowed.

I no longer explain why I changed my mind.
This one took practice. I used to think changing my mind meant I was unreliable or flaky. Now I see it as updated information. I learned something. I adjusted. End of story.

I no longer explain my no.

The Older I Get, the Earlier Dinner Gets (On Aging, Love, and Boundaries)

I decided to be healthy in February the way I decide most things now, casually and without any long-term vision. Not a resolution. Not a lifestyle change. Just a vague intention to do better than whatever January was.

I had just celebrated my birthday a few days earlier, which at this age feels less like a milestone and more like a polite head nod to time. Like, yes, I see you. You’re still moving. I’m still here.

My kids did greet me. Eventually.

Birthdays are complicated now because of time zones. Some of them are a day ahead. Some are a day behind. Some are probably staring at the clock wondering if it’s too late, too early, or safer to pretend they already texted. I never know if a greeting is early, late, or being coordinated in a group chat I’m not invited to. At this point, I choose to believe the delay is due to global time differences and not selective memory. I choose peace. This is also part of being healthy.

For my birthday, I asked my husband if he could ski so we could spend the weekend up in the mountains.

For the record, I do not ski. I’m from the Philippines. We don’t have snow. We have heat, humidity, and sweating for no reason. Asking him to ski is my way of participating in winter culture without risking my life. I enjoy skiing the way I enjoy haunted houses. From a distance. Preferably indoors. With coffee.

In my head, the plan was perfect. I imagined waking up, sipping coffee with a view of Lake Tahoe, feeling inspired to write my next book. Taking breaks to wander through tourist shops. Walking all the way to the lake for the obligatory birthday selfie. Something like “54 and I still got it,” which is a lie I only believe when the lighting is good and my knees are cooperative.

I even planned dinner. Friday’s Station. Lake view. Sunset behind snow-capped mountains. The kind of birthday that sounds effortless when you describe it later.

This was the dream.

Reality arrived immediately and without apology.