Is This Adulthood?

I used to think adulthood would feel like arriving somewhere—like I’d wake up one day calm, competent, and finally sure of myself. Instead, it feels more like moving through my days with a mental checklist and a practiced smile, doing what needs to be done and making jokes along the way so no one notices how tired I am. I’m good at this part. Too good, maybe.

But lately, I haven’t been showing up.

I quit a job I loved. A job that looked, from the outside, like proof that I was finally doing adulthood right. I started as a seasonal employee. Part-time. Within three months, I became a department supervisor. Then a key holder. Before my third year, I was promoted to assistant store manager in the highest-volume store in the district. My boss’s boss told me to stay. To hang in there. That in a year or two, I’d have my own store.

And still, I left.

It wasn’t an easy decision. I loved the work. But the culture was relentless, and being competent made me an easy target—especially for the store manager and the managers around me. The better I performed, the more exposed I felt. So I walked away from something I had built from the ground up.

Now I’m lost again.

I’m scared to admit that out loud, especially at this age. I’m turning fifty-four in a few days, and instead of feeling settled, I feel like I’m standing at the beginning of something without a map. I thought by now I’d know the ropes. That I’d have direction. That I wouldn’t still be asking myself what comes next.

I found love late in life. He’s close to retiring. I uprooted myself, moved to a foreign country, rebuilt from scratch, and took a job I knew nothing about—only to leave it once it finally started going well. And now I’m here, half a century in, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do next.

The Best Christmas Gift I Never Expected

 It’s almost Christmas, and I keep finding myself pausing in the middle of ordinary moments — folding laundry, washing dishes, staring out the window — because something inside me feels full in a way I didn’t expect.

My books are selling on Amazon.

Not viral. Not headline-worthy. Just… real. Real people, somewhere out there, choosing something I made. And at 53 years old, that feels like a miracle I didn’t even know how to pray for.

This is the best Christmas gift I never expected.

The Holidays, the Boxes, and the Quiet Scorekeeping We Don’t Talk About

The holidays do something strange to my chest.

One minute I’m fine — wrapping chocolates, sending cards, pretending I’m organized — and the next minute I’m standing in my kitchen doing emotional math I never signed up for.

Who gets what. Who expects what. Who notices. Who never does.

This year, I sent cards. Same card, same message. Friends, coworkers, family. Easy. Civilized. Very peace on earth.

What I didn’t do was tuck money into a card for an adult who has quietly come to expect it.

Solo, Sinigang, and SoFi Stadium Feelings

My husband flew to LA this morning. Yes, again. This time for a Rams game at SoFi Stadium. Just him and his ride-or-die—his best friend, his forever football bromance. And me? I’m home. Again.

It’s a familiar rhythm — football weekends, solo nights, and the strange quiet that comes with midlife, marriage, and the holidays.

I used to feel bad when he’d go off on these guy trips, leaving me behind in a house that echoed with silence. Especially when we still lived in the woods—snowed in up in Pollock Pines, buried under feet of drama (and actual snow), praying the power didn’t go out again because a tree fell on the lines. I used to ration firewood like it was a war-time commodity, dragging logs up the stairs like a freezing, grumbling lumberjack.

Now? We live in the city. No fireplace. No snow. No deer peeking into our kitchen window like confused neighbors. No bluejays squawking territorial arguments on the railing. Everything is close by—groceries, coffee, the rest of the world.

Everything…except the people I miss most.

Aging, Airfare, and the Ghost of Christmas Cards Unsent

Tomorrow we fly to Arizona for the Rams vs Cardinals game.
A football weekend.
Sports.
Yes, again. 🙃

My husband is thrilled. As he should be. He grew up in Huntington Beach, where surfboards are basically issued at birth. You know the type—blond, sun-kissed, freckled, grew-up-on-a-longboard type of SoCal boy. Former jock who somehow still knows the batting averages of players who retired when gas was under two cents. Name a sport? He played it. Or at least talks like he could…if his knees didn’t now sound like a bag of Rice Krispies every time he stands up. Aging, my friends, is the real MVP.

Meanwhile, there’s me.
Filipino Chinese. Raised by a full-on Asian Tiger Mom.

“No biking! You might fall and scratch your face!”
“No swimming! You’ll get dark!”
“No standing near a fan! You’ll catch pneumonia and die!”
“Where’s the Vicks VapoRub?! Apply it on everything. Prevention is better than cure. And Vicks cures EVERYTHING!” UGH!

So yeah. While the kids were out there bruising their knees and learning teamwork, I was indoors bonding with Nancy Drew, binge-reading the Britannica Encyclopedias (Gen Z, that’s Google but in book form), and escaping into entire worlds of Greek and Filipino mythology. I was alphabetizing facts about the Trojan War while baking Food For the Gods and sylvanas, watercolor, charcoal-drawing Princess Diana, and creating sculptures with plaster of Paris. Doing mix media before that was a thing.
Introvert aesthetic before it was a Pinterest board. 

I wasn’t athletic. I was imaginative.
I didn’t play dodgeball. I dodged expectations.

Now? I go to NFL games. Only NFL. Not college. That’s the only kind I can take.
I made the mistake once of going to a college game at Hard Rock Stadium.
Never again.
The kids were standing the entire time, screaming, sweating, shaking their shirts like they were possessed by a frat demon.
And do they even know what deodorant is??
No thank you. I need assigned seats, overpriced nachos, and adults who sit down between plays.

Not because I understand it (I still don’t know what a “3rd and 6” is and I refuse to learn at this point out of principle), but because it’s fun in a weird, chaotic, overpriced-hotdog, nacho-cheese-stuck-to-my-jeans kind of way. And because I’ve learned that fun sometimes wears a jersey and yells at referees.

Also, full disclosure:
I did have a Brady-Gronk era. And I’ve been a Travis Kelce fan since BEFORE Taylor Swift turned him into a lifestyle influencer. I saw him first. Let the record show my superior scouting skills. 💅

I actually tried learning football using ChatGPT. AI looked me dead in the face (digitally) and said:
“Dory, you actually know more about the game than most Americans do.”
HAH. I retired right then and there.

CBA: Canvas Shoes, Bloody Drinks, Aruba

 I’m home.

Adobo’s on the stove, boiled eggs doing their thing, and I’m trying to remember what my own bed feels like.
There’s a mountain of laundry in the corner.
But I can’t deal with that right now.

Because sitting in the laundry room — still judging me silently — are my husband’s once-white Vans.

Remember those?

Why an $8 Ring in Bonaire Meant More Than Diamonds

It’s Saturday in Las Vegas, the day after Black Friday. Didn’t go shopping. Didn’t shove anyone in a checkout line. Just casino-hopped with my husband like a couple of tired middle-aged tourists who’d rather gamble calories than coupons.

Earlier that day, we walked over to the Sphere. You know, that enormous high-tech eyeball thing that stares into your soul and possibly your browser history. I decided to treat my better half to a little culture — we watched the Wizard of Oz immersive experience. It was trippy in a wholesome way. Everything was glowing, twinkling, and spinning like a childhood fever dream.

He smiled politely, but I knew deep down he would’ve rather been at a psychedelic tie-dye concert yelling “FREE BIRD!” at the ceiling. But he was sweet about it. Drinks were $20, which felt criminal, but hey came in a souvenir cup, so we felt like slightly robbed winners.

That night, my daughter treated us to Enchant — a holiday maze filled with more lights than a Taylor Swift concert and enough artificial snow to confuse your pores. And then, the impossible happened.

I went ice skating.

I know.
Me.
A 53-year-old Filipina grandma. Raised in the asphalted tropics. Grew up knowing more about typhoons than snowflakes.

I slipped a little the moment I stepped on the ice. But determined to check “ice skating” off my must-do-before-I-die list, I kept going. I didn’t quit. My stubbornest determination kicked in. I gripped the railing like my future depended on it and dragged myself around for one full loop. I was part Bambi, part Tita with bad knees, but I did it. Upright. Skating. Technically.

And yes — the cold did bother me anyway.